First things first, let me say that at 5:30 in the morning I'm, at best, mostly dead. Human beings are not meant to wake up at 5:30 for anything short of a house fire. I wasn't ready for exercise. I was a zombie. Fortunately, my wife is a pretty sound sleeper, so she didn't wake up to my cries of "BRAINS!!!"
Knowing my endless potential for making excuses to myself, I took the time last night to set out everything I would need last night. I put on my gym clothes, picked up my bag, and headed out the door. I will say this about 5:30 in the morning. I didn't need my sunglasses.
I have heard that it can be hard sometimes to find free cardio machines at the Summit, but apparently the big crowds wait for dawn. I had the lay of the land. It was only at that moment, however, that I realized that I had no idea what machine I would want. Cardio equipment all look like variations on the hamster wheel to me, so I had no real preference. I decided that one of the ellipticals would be best because it allowed me to pump my arms while running. I just thought I'd get self-conscious trying to figure out how to hold my arms, otherwise. I could just picture myself on a treadmill, arms crossed across my chest. I don't know much about fitness, but that seemed off to me.
So I stepped aboard the elliptical only to again discover that I was way outside my element. I guess I thought things would start up when it registered my weight. Instead, I was faced with HAL from 2001. It asked me what kind of workout I wanted and then gave me about a dozen options. Interval 1? Interval 2? Was this computer code? Did I need to understand Linux to operate one of these things? In my mind, exercise would be more popular if it patterned itself after fried chicken. Wouldn't you like your workout in either sweaty or extra sweaty? After a few terrified moments, I settled on fat burn or something that sounded destructive.
Here's the thing, I'm either not doing it right or cardio is incredibly boring. For more than half an hour, I pretty much just hovered in one place. Sure HAL said I went three miles, but I didn't. I just ran in place, pumping my arms. Like a moron, I'd forgotten my headphones, so I couldn't listen to any of the Summit's TVs. I had a book, Steven Johnson's Everything Bad is Good for You, but I dare you to try reading while sprinting in oblong strides and pumping your arms. I'm pretty sure your brain would explode. So there I was, running in place with nothing to do but sweat. Essentially, this machine was nothing more than a human juicer.
Thirty-three minutes later HAL said I was done. I'd intended to go for 45 minutes, but who am I to argue with a supercomputer. I hopped off the hamster wheel and headed towards the water fountain. I refilled my empty water bottle and noticed that they keep a large scale in that corner. Morbidly curious, I stepped aboard. I guessed I've been trained by watching the last two hundred seasons of The Biggest Loser because I was surprised when the digital counter didn't dart around a fifty pound increments before settling on my weight. Instead, it flashed right away. It turns out, I am currently weighing in at 221 pounds. This isn't the heaviest I've ever been, but, sufficed to say, it's a few pounds more than I weighed back on the Ray High School Swim Team. While I have no intention of ever wearing another speedo, I don't plan on weighing 221 for another day. That is my starting place. Where I end is up to me.
After getting my face slapped by reality, I headed over to rows of weight equipment. Instead of hamster wheels, circuit weights remind me of those brain puzzles my grandmother always used to give us for Christmas. I'm not sure which direction I'm supposed to face. I don't know whether to hold the bar with my hands or my ankles.Thankfully, they have illustrations on them. The thing is, I don't want to be the guy who needs to look at pictures to figure out weight equipment, so I did my best to pretend I was looking over the machine at the TVs on the wall. "Huh, who's winning that lacrosse match, now?"
I worked my chest, shoulders and arms. I did three sets of ten for everything... because that sounded like a real thing. I'm pretty sure I at least was sitting in the right direction each time.
That was it for my first workout. All told, I think it was a success. I survived, so that's a start. I'm not too sore just yet, but that's what tomorrow is for.
I'll keep you updated with posts much shorter than this one.
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